Monday, December 27, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Black Friday
Black Friday sale!!! Between now and Monday November 29th get a Lampstead Tee for an unbelievable low price. S-XL (and youth sizes) - $9; 2XL - $11; 3XL - $12; 4XL - $13. Just use "Blackfriday" as your coupon code!!!!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Laws
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Vacation
Please forgive us while Lampstead Tees goes on vacation (or at least the computer literate part of Lampstead Tees). We will be back soon!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Best Answers
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old and wrinkly and unattractive. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old and wrinkly and unattractive. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect
Friday, May 14, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
An elephant never forgets
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
This is for everyone who sends those heart-warming bullshit stories.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
This is for everyone who sends those heart-warming bullshit stories.
Monday, April 19, 2010
$2.00 off!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Discount for those who read the blog. $2.00 off any shirt through 4/27/10!!!!!!! Just use coupon code Blog410 at the checkout.
Things you shouldnt say to a cop when he pulls you over...
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!
5. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop
7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead
8. Bad cop! No donut!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?
12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?
14. I pay your salary!
15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
16. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!
17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around -
that's how far ahead of me they are.
19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and
got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.
22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!
5. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop
7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead
8. Bad cop! No donut!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?
12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?
14. I pay your salary!
15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
16. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!
17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around -
that's how far ahead of me they are.
19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and
got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.
22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Friday, April 16, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Grand opening or something like that.
Welcome to lampstead.blogger.com. The official website of Lampsteadtess.com. We hope you enjoy the website as well as the blog. Please visit often for updates on the website as well as humorous and fun jokes, videos, pictures, etc. Check back ofter for regular updates.
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